Hello out there...This may read as a bit of a rant at times but there's some sweet stuff at the end so please try to get through it all...Also, pardon my potty mouth, I'm in a mood this eve...
So, I'm still plugging along with life and waiting for an egg donor...With all the crap that's gone down, I'm giving myself a gold star for staying in the game...
I haven't bought sperm yet cuz it's sooo expensive these days ($700 per kerplunk), and just a huge production: I have to get a really tall sperm donor who looks strikingly like me (good luck with that one Kara as there's only one sperm bank in the country who gives away pix & most are of the donor when he was a baby...WTF?! Who cares what he looked like as a kid? How did he turn out, that's the question...). I have to do this because of the fact that there are virtually no tall egg donors in the USA (Hey fellow amazon sisters, "What's up with that?!?) and I'm 6'0" AND there are a gazzilion and one sperm banks out there so choosing, (without said photos I might add) is a bit of a bitch and can make one truly nutty...Case in point, my friend Tessa, who is also trying to get knocked up, recently threw a sperm-searching soiree and by the end of it both she and I were a blathering mess of nerves and all of our girlfriends, each armed with a computer of their own, as they were all searching different sperm sites, were exhausted...I'll go into that more another time...Yeah, I know, throwing a party in the name of searching for sperm? it's just one more kooky thing that's gone down in my fertility journey and I'm definitely thinkin' a one-woman show on all this craziness is in order...but I'll save that for when I'm finally holding my precious little one in my arms...
Also just found out I have a septum in my uterus...That's all kinds of crapadoodle as: 1) It was what killed my 2nd baby...Biscuit (that's what we called my 2nd one), attached to dead skin (a septum) in my uterus and couldn't get any nourishment and died of starvation 2) The septum was supposed to have been removed 4 yrs ago at my old/new-again clinic, UCSF 3) the clinic where I just did my FET (called PFC-jeez, can anyone say abbreviation overload?!), didn't even test me for it, so I could've had another 2nd trimester loss! How freakin' infuriating, as I paid them nearly 5,000., used 5 of my 9 remaining frozen embryos and was on all sorts of hormones that made me a pretty unhappy camper.
Seriously the baby-making industry for all of it's insane expenses and supposed in-the-know, elite Dr.s f*cks up left and right...How do I know this? It's not just my story (and there's more crappy Dr. behavior in mine that I haven't shared on here), most every woman in my fertility group has a sh*tty story to tell about unskilled practices and behaviors by fertility specialists that skate the boundaries of malpractice. OK, everyone all together, "Wake the f*ck up and smell the estrogen, people!" Jeez...
So this surgery is going to set me back $9,000. Yep, I, like most women, have insurance for pregnancy but none whatsoever for fertility...There are friends of mine who work for Google and Apple who have mad insurance for everything fert. related and up to 3 free IVF tries, but that's the exception rather than the norm...UGH! There goes the trip I was planning to take back to Africa...In fact, there goes lots of stuff as this journey is seriously draining my life savings...
So all of this should be making me nuts but I'm now firmly trying to stay away from CrazyTown as much as possible so I'm going to conveniantly put all this on the back burner after I post this to y'all otherwise I'll be a blabbering mess and will be beside myself for days on end and I just dont have time for that sh*t anymore...I'm sick of feeling upset and angry and lost and helpless in this fertility journey so I'm making a decision not to feel this way if I can help it, and I feel that I can...
Mark my words, "As God as my witness, I will never go hungry again!" No wait, oops, sorry, wrong line...Let's try that one more time, "As Yoda (what can I say, I heart Yoda) as my witness, I will become a mommy in this lifetime (damnit!)"
OK, thanx for tuning into my channel for a bit...
Switching gears now...Here's a beautiful and heartbreaking quote that my dear friend Stephanie found on her friend's FaceBook page...It brought many tears to my eyes as just like this woman, I am trying hard to fight back against the huge stigma and taboo that still surrounds fetal loss...Please help us out by talking about it, and supporting any sisters that you know of who have gone through a loss in talking about it.
"Today we remember babies who were born asleep, babies we have carried but never met, babies we have held but could not take home, or the babies who made it home but didn't stay"
Make this your FaceBook profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby.
The majority of you won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject.
Please break the silence.
xoxo,
Kara
