You know that expression from Eleanor Roosevelt: "A woman is like a tea bag- You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water" That is soooo darned true!
It was a difficult 8 weeks but I got through it and I discovered, once again, just how strong I am. Don't get me wrong, I am indepted to my close female friends who are some of the most supportive, warm and compassionate women this side of the Rockies. Yet, I realize that my resilience, stamina and bravery come from deep inside and I am beyond thankful for that. Thanx for that universe!
Not sure who out there is still reading and that's A-OK with me as I now realize that this blog is really most useful for me to be able to write and get things down on paper (OK, so it's not paper anymore but cyberspace, but who's checking?!)
I've discovered that I need to take time off from this dream when setbacks occur or I won't be able to proceed successfully. What a relief it is to completely let go of the "must make a baby NOW" mentality and just live in the moment with no agendas.
So where I'm at is that I've switched clinics and now working with my old RE at UCSF. She rocks and is now the head of their egg donor program which is where I've also plunked myself. Been given a "it's gonna take 6 months to find you a donor" decree and at first it threw me for such a horrible tailspin that I felt punched in the gut and had another few day of crying outbursts. At my age, being given a 6 month sentence is comparable to a 10 yr jail sentence (OK, perhaps I exagerate just a teeny tiny bit, but you get the picture).
Am now focused on finding new sperm and it's a freakin' heavy deal as it appears that my egg donor will not resemble me (for some odd reason there are virtually no tall egg donors...Sheesh!...What gives fellow amazons?!?!) so I have been instructed to find a sperm donor who looks just like me...Sounds easy, right? Well keep reading:
Considering that only one sperm donor agency in the whole country publishes current pics of their donors (and I've already checked it out and found zilch), I'm gonna send a "Good Luck with that" message to myself and tie it in a bow. Perhaps I should just walk around a crowded place every day like Fisherman's Wharf and go up to random look-a-likes and offer my sad story hoping for a donation?! Allright, since that's not gonna happen, I guess I'll just have to guess about our resemblance and go with a tall, dark eyed, dark curly haired dude. But wait, I'm not done my rant:
When I was doing this last in 07' sperm was only $100. per vial, now it's near $700.
Yeah, it's become a real racket this spunk bizness and I'm none too happy about it...Didja know that this one well-known sperm bank in LA offers celebrity look-a-like-sperm?!? It's nuts, I tell ya!
Despite all of these crazy challenges I'm feeling positive and uplifted about the future and my dream of mommyhood...I know, that's nuts too, right?!
But hey...Yeah me!!! Gold star please.