Feeling devastated and so sad...

Not pregnant... After so much heartache and having three babies die inside of my body...After how auspicious the FET went... After the three amazing omens that happened that day... After feeling like I might really be pregnant...

I have no words...

Trippin' hard...

Am feeling super lousy right about now...Tripping on whether I'm pregnant or not...
Lot's of irritation and sadness from this estrogen overload...Hating how intense my moods are...The doctor said that this is very normal and that hormone overload makes women feel nuts...Great, but how do I handle it?? Perhaps I'm just really, really scared that this amazing FET will lead to nothing: 4 dead embryos...Wow, am definitely feeling like I've crossed over to the dark side. I'm just really scared.

A quote (one that I need right about now): "Just when the catipillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly."

Thanx for listening for anyone who's out there.
~Kara

Notes from a California FET...

So, not sure why I neglected to post here after my FET as like that's what this whole blogging thing is all about but here is a blow by blow description of my glorious FET:

The transfer was absolutely amazing: sacred, silly, sublime, & just plain beautiful!!...Althought an FET takes all of 10 minutes, we were there for well over an hour because as much as I drank early that morning, my bladder wouldn't get full (which is needed for the procedure to be successful) so we had a lot of time to settle in...Sadly, one little guy didn't make the thaw and died...I was sad for a little bit as I'd counted on my nine snowflake little ones since they were frozen in 07', but welcome to the world of impermanance. The doctor put in 4 awesome looking ones which we got to see pictures of (and make bets on!).

On this day three cool omens happened in succession: 1) My youngest and newest sister friend sent a heatwarming text at a divine moment: I had forgotten to turn off my phone (really?!) and the little chime letting me know that I'd gotten a text happened in the midst of a bit of high tension as we'd finally been able to get the procedure going yet I was experiencing some intense pain as it progressed (totally normal, I discovered). When my phone went off I started to apologize. The doctor cut me off and said, "It's OK...That sound marked the exact moment I released your embryos into your womb." We were all like "WOW, Cool!" and took a collective breath in and out. 2) Right after the procedure, one of my friends was glancing at the sheet of paper that had the embryo pictures on it and other infomation about them. She pointed out that the day that these little miracles were made was 5/6/07. "That's exactly four years, to the day, ago!" she exclaimed. Once again, we were all like, "Wow, cool!" 3) While driving away from the clinic, something hard and loud fell on my friend's car hood. All of us exclaimed, "What was that?!" Suddenly a very large, round seed attached to a long green stem made it's way down the front windshield. We were parked at a light and my friend got out and grabbed the seed. It's sitting right next to the pictures of my embryos on the mantle above my bed and is still green! (wild, huh??)

So for the actual FET: We were in a tiny, intimate room with the lights down low...My hands were lovingly held by all my sisters...One girlfriend did a sweet and powerful guided meditation...Another, a Baroque singer, softly sang an improvised aria as the transfer took place...Right afterwards we all spontaneously started Om-ing...The doctor, not my regular one, but a compassionate and sweet man whom I'd just met that day, seemed very moved...He left the room telling us that he had goosebumps! More amazing friends & creative offerings flowed in throughout the afternoon & evening, culminating in a delicious impromptu Hindu ritual...

Honestly, the day was just epic and even if this doesn't result in a pregnancy, I'm beyond grateful for the experience and feel very loved up... 

If I do get pregnant (yes please!!!), these little guys have had quite a powerful introduction into this world.

Totally groovy, huh? 

BiG NeWs!!!!!

Hey everybody!
It's been, like, forever since I posted...Sorry 'bout that...
As often happens, life got in the way...
Anyway, I have a super long post which takes off where my last post ended...That post will come out in a day or two...
In the meantime, what I wanted to put out there into the ether is that I have my first FET (frozen embryo transfer) this Friday, May 9th at 11am!!!!!!  We're transferring 4 embryos in at that time. Send me lots of BabyDust if you will at that time. I'd really appreciate it.
I'm excited, anxious, overjoyed, terrified, hopeful and fearful all at the same time...Trying to stay grounded and present...
I'm also on a boatload of estrogen (happy times ~ said oh so sarcastically) and about to be on progesterone in the next 12 hours...The hormones are making feel me kinda funky, but unlike my last trip down this path, I'm able to handle my -isms...In fact, one of my closest friends, just the other day, said that I was remarkably calm (she also believes in the Easter Bunny & the Tooth Fairy, but hey, what are ya gonna do, ya find your friends where ya can you know?!)--Just joking, she's a total sweetheart and damn well knows the difference between fact and fantasy...
Now where was I? Oh yeah....
So I'm gonna try to get some rest this eve and will get the long-awaited post ready for publishing...Don't want to let ya'll down around the next chapter of my fertility journey as it is quite a story.
Quote time: "Be courageous, It is one of the only places left uncrowded" ~Anna Roddick
Big hugs all around,
Kara